My hands trembled and the shovel hit the dirt. It has to be here...I'm not mad! Dirt...shovel...toss. Over and over again. I couldn't stand another day of the dreams.
Who am I...
Who am I...
"Who am I!" I screamed into the field in front of me.
I looked down at the hole. 3 feet. Maybe 3 and a half.
Deeper.
I slammed the shovel in the ground again, desperation and strength were my motivator. Dirt...shovel...toss.
I took a deep breath. I used the back of my hand to clear the sweat from my brow. Grains of dirt trickled along my skin.
This has to be it. I told myself. There's nothing left. Nothing left of this life or me. There has to be more.
3 more feet of shoveling. I stood in the hole. My back squeezing with each toss of the shovel's dirt. This was the last throw. If nothing happens, I'll lay in this dirt bed and not get up. I leaned back, eyes up to the starlit sky and took a deep breath. Mustering the energy for one more round. I close my eyes, watch my breathing...making sure I remained calm and resolute.
Dirt...Shovel....Black.
The sensation of falling, I thought I was falling. I felt like I was falling. My stomach was turning in knots. No light, wind at my ears, arms, legs...everywhere. I pushed out my hands to brace myself. Dirt ran through my fingertips, my nails trying to gain traction. I was falling.
I started to struggle to stop myself. Endless falling, no light. This. is. it.
I slam down. Wet...hard. I was in water, under the water. I tried to swim in the direction that I came, but I wasn't sure what direction I did come. I scrambled, arms flailing, legs kicking. Nothing.
My breath was waning. My heart begun to race. This was my end. In this endless water. My mind was racing as fast as my heart.
A light shone in the distance. I swam as fast as I could towards it. It never seemed to get any closer. I kicked and flailed towards it. Never closer.
I couldn’t hold my breath any longer. I struggled against holding it. Struggled against my own lungs, my mouth to keep it in, but they both failed me.
Water cascaded down my throat at a feverish pace. I couldn’t stop my gasping.
In. In. In flowed the water at my body’s beckoning. My legs no longer could propel me forward. My hands at my throat willing myself to stop taking in breaths.
That far away light rapidly flew towards me. Until it was just an arms reach. With my last bit of consciousness, I reached out for it.
Nothing.
Death?
Light. Was it light I was seeing behind my eyes. I opened my eyes and saw clouds. Was I alive?
I coughed and with that water started to propel out of my body. Hurled over, I ejected what seemed like gallons of water.
I’m alive. This couldn’t be true. I coughed and fell on my side, catching my breath, gasping to fill my lungs with life.
The birds were chirping all around me. Singing their melodies. As my breathing slowed towards normal, I started to get up. First on my knees, gearing towards my feet when I looked around me.
Lilac colored leaves on the barks of trees with small white flowers budding in-between as far as the eye can see. Red flowers covered the ground around the trees. My brows furrowed in disbelief.
As the wind blew the leaves swayed, bringing a floral scent so fragrant that it brought a smile to my face. I took another deep breath in, wanting more of that scent to fill my broken soul. It was so familiar.
The water. The water that I must have come out of. Not blue like I was used to, but a light green. Green as newly budding plants just put into soil. I crawled on my hands and knees towards the water. First my hands touched it. Warm and refreshing at the same time. I peered over to see if I could see into depths.
My own face, but yet not. Instead of my brown hair and eyes with rounded ears, I now had brown hair, amber eyes with…I’m not sure how to explain, light. It seemed as if my eyes had amber starlight in them. My ears were pointed. I shot back. My heart racing again. I slowly put my hands up to my ears and felt their points. Like my dream. They were like my dreams.
I peered over the water again, surveying myself. I looked closer at my ears. My fingers gently prodding my new feature. I held my breath as if the ears would attack my fingers.
Soft, they were as soft as normal skin. A smile formed on my face.
All the suffering, seeing this face and not understanding how it related to me is now realized. All the time I spent in the mental hospital, telling the doctors that my reflection was not me, that I was someone else. The drugs they forced down my throat. The treatments I had to undergo. The dreams never stopped.
The last dream showed me the spot I came to that evening. It showed me the spot with a shovel. I knew this was the only chance I had left. To prove I wasn’t crazy. The reason I would have laid in the hole if nothing happened. If I found nothing, it would confirm that I was crazy. Yet, here I am.
“Ardius?” A melodic female voice called behind me. “Ardius, is that really you?” She cried out. I quickly looked over my shoulder at a blonde Fae woman standing by a tree with her hands over her mouth in shock. “Where have you been for the last 50 years!”
....
